Dave and I just gave some slugs beer because we are humanitarians.
“The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints,
is when I carried you.”
I don’t understand the urge people seem to have, in public bathrooms, to finish right up when pooping right after someone walks in as if to say to that person, ‘nope. wasn’t pooping. i don’t do that.’ It has the opposite effect.
When someone walks in and I’m pooping, I close my eyes, hold my breathe, and pretend I’m invisible until they leave.
Followed Judge Reinhold on twitter so I’m pretty much done for the day thanks bye.
Oh shit I like stuff and don’t like other stuff I am a hipster oh shit oh shit
So far, in this hotel room on Dayton, Ohio, I’ve learned:
-I can eat ramen with a plastic knife.
-My hands are so much more freakishly large than I could have ever imagined, even while being paranoid about my hands being freakishly large.
-but I’ve got a great ass.
-CNN and twitter tell different stories.
-it is possible and reasonable to be the happiest I’ve ever been while still embracing unbelievable, universal heartbreak.